why not just be nice to yourself?
the logic behind self-compassion
I was texting a friend this past weekend to link up for coffee. i have an extremely low threshold for patience when it comes to scheduling things these days. we made it work by settling for a 40-minute hang rather than making it some elaborate, perfect plan.
after snagging coffee at Café In Gamba, I walked him to his startup’s office in Mile End.
we got on the topic of not doing the things that are best for us even though we want to do them.
it came up in the context of self-reflection. my friend used to attempt self-reflecting as a direct activity. he’d carve out half an hour to reflect and forcefully do the task.
of course you and I know that’s not how it works. he now knows that, too. self-reflection only seems to be possible once we create the inner space for thoughts to come to the surface.
he went on to share that he would allow for the space to process more of what exists in him and he can feel is trying to crawl out of him, but he’s so exhausted after his long day that he ends up watching some whatever-TV to zone out.
he continued, “I know that it’s bad, and I don’t like that I do it.”
self-hatred as the default pathway
I stopped him immediately. “whoa, bad? How did we reach that conclusion?! Yeah, for sure it’s not moving you in the direction you wanna go, but I can only imagine it intensifies the guilt of self-hatred to frame it as bad.”
he asks me, naturally, “okay, well what would you say in my situation?”
I did the whole self-hatred thing. it feels so good in the moment, and so terrible the moment that follows. I then hate myself for hating myself. a positive feedback loop for all the wrong reasons.
the voice inside our head is the voice we grew up hearing out loud from people we respect and look up to and have been vulnerable with, usually parents or caregivers.
a lot of self-compassion comes down to nurturing a voice within us, a gentler, more understanding and kind voice that has been edged out by louder, more aggressive voices.
the keys to unlock compassion from within
without personalization
I told my friend I’ve learned to channel my radical curiosity inwards.
radical curiosity for self means not making things personal. like most things that have made me who I am, I don’t know where I read this, but it taught me the concept of being a forensic investigator for my own life. an investigator is a third party removed from any of the emotional baggage of personal history. if I see myself as such, I get to remain curious about cause & effect, as opposed to leaning into any biases or preferences.
today, when I indulge in a few episodes of The Office and go half an hour past my 9pm bedtime, sure I get annoyed at myself.
but the dominating voice is saying “huh, interesting. Why would I be clicking to watch another episode if I want to be sleeping instead?”
the difference here is asking it as a genuine question, not a rhetorical question like we usually do.
cause it’s actually so fascinating: why wouldn’t I do something I want to be doing? why am I instead doing something I know I don’t want to be doing?
without judgment
everything discussed about self-compassion is unlocked only if there is no judgment present. to ask a question with genuine curiosity requires a lack of judgment.
from my observations, judgment exists when the fragile ego exists. when we are secure and psychologically safe and confident in ourselves, we cease to judge. therefore, judgment is a great signal of the presence of the ego.
it makes a lot of sense when we connect the dots: our ability to be kind toward ourselves is possible only when the ego is not defensive. then we can be curious without judgment.
without conditions
it’s important to note that self-compassion is not loving ourselves only when we’ve done “a good job” and not loving ourselves when we do a “bad job.” that makes gentleness toward ourselves conditional on us being good little children, or else we withdraw love.
when I lay it out like that, it’s obvious that the only real way to be loving toward self-compassionate is irrespective of how productive we are, what we’ve accomplished, or more importantly, in what ways we’ve messed up recently (or in our deep past).
self-compassion is productive
I’m such an advocate of being nice to oneself because it’s in our best interest to be. I and others, when pursued purely, and not as a means to an end to be more effective in life, end up getting more done.
why not make life easier?
we waste less energy on tasks we don’t want to do but feel like we need to do in order to love ourselves. we spend more energy on things we love to do, which in turn gives us more energy, and leads to a net gain of stuff accomplished in the long run.
when we are tender with ourselves, we are tender with others. the voice we use to speak to ourselves in our head is also the way we project ourselves outward, even though we like to believe otherwise. we are more open and caring toward others, which helps foster deeper relationships.
best of all? life gets easier. and you know what, that’s allowed. life doesn’t need to be hard, or at the very least, we don’t need to make it harder than it already is.
some days we have to walk through a pile of shit to get home. but on days where the sidewalk is clear for us to walk down, and we still walk through shit because we believe we’re more deserving of appreciation through our “hard work,” we’ve made life harder for no reason other than being insecure in ourselves.
the kicker is that life doesn’t get harder just for us, but for our loved ones around us. we are tired out, therefore less patient, less attentive and less tender with others. so our spouse, our kids, our parents, are also worse off when we do things that are difficult because we can’t fathom allowing ourselves to be loved unconditionally.
the counterfactual to this is that whole mess is avoided because we are secure in ourselves and don’t need to make any displays of how we’ve broken our back for the other person or how we’ve sacrificed just as much as them so we’re on even ground to be equally appreciated now. none of that. just calm, rational love.
alignment
not only are we and others around us at ease when we practice self-compassion, we also end up being in the right place. we do things that matter to us, and drop things that don’t, so what’s left is a life that has been filtered through our authentic, genuine interests and motivations. what’s left is a life that is uniquely ours that we love to live every day.
what we’re left with is a version of ourselves that believes we are enough as we are. if you cringe or catch yourself actively trying to not believe that it’s possible you’re enough as you are, I think that’s a pretty brilliant signal that self-compassion is a worthwhile experiment.
Note: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach has taught me the most about self-compassion, beyond what hundreds of hours of meditation can do for the soul.