The time I thought I was no longer ambitious

Ambition is multi-dimensional

I would consider 20-30 year-old Aatik pretty ambitious. Definitely not the most, but pretty up there, while doing his best to nourish all other aspects of his life.

It seemed like my ambition went down when I pivoted from management consulting to public school teaching. Truth be told, doing a good job at teaching high school business to curious young people was way harder and more complex than consulting. (I didn’t try that hard while I was in consulting because I did not resonate with it, so I’m probably biased.)

I felt equally ambitious when I took a pay cut from teaching at public schools to supporting Indigenous adults coming out of prison. The org was poorly managed, so there was not much programming in place, which left a great opportunity for me to experiment and build.

My ambition probably peaked while at TKS, which makes sense since I’m literally coaching the most ambitious young people in the world to lean into their pursuit to make a dent in the world for the better and indulge their curiosity to the fullest.

What happens after ambition?

Then my wife got pregnant. I noticed my ambition fading when the highlight of my day was my nightly ritual of rubbing shea butter on her pregnant belly. There was nothing I’d rather be doing, nowhere I’d rather be. It was gratifying, followed by a feeling of angst.

“Is my ambition slowing down? What happens if I’m not ambitious anymore? Will I have the drive to create or work? Can I mentally handle not being driven?”

I could feel my hunger to be great in my role slowly fade away. That’s not to say that I didn’t perform; I am fortunate to have internal standards and my self-respect is partially based on giving a proper effort. I cared about getting the job done properly for the sake of my students and myself, but I did notice that I cared less about “performing well” according to others’ standards (KPIs, OKRs).

My fear that I’d get fired cause I’d be so indifferent to working was proven to be irrational, so I was cool with feeling drive in my professional life decrease.

I think my ambition completely receded once my first child was born and I was on paternal leave. I’m now on sabbatical, yet I haven’t touched Slack in the last 11 months, because I don’t need to and I don’t care to.

That worried me at the beginning, but I grew accustomed to my new relationship to my professional life.

I followed the advice that my wisest self told me based on all my Buddhist studying: “Let things be, and what’s important will rise to the surface.”

A different kind of ambition

A couple months into fatherhood, I found a rare opportunity to have a beer with a good friend at Messorem, a very Montreal spot for all the right reasons.

I told him that I worry I’m no longer ambitious, and that I seem to be someone who cares more about not working than working.

“You realize how ambitious your unpaid sabbatical pursuit has been?” he asks, rhetorically.

He continued: “There’s been dozens of hours of work, talking to experts and interviewing other parents, all so that you build a life has no template and tons of risk that you’ve worked to mitigate. If that isn’t ambitious, I don’t know what is.”

I continued listening to Sasha, sitting in front of me, telling me about how he was workikng 10hrs/week but releasing a wicked EP with his band the following week.

It hit me in that moment that ambition is not one-dimensional. It can extend to any pursuit in life, not just professional or career-oriented goals.

I was finally cluing into the fact that I was in the midst of redefining what ambition means to me, in a way that was expanding my horizons and fuelling my life force more than my previous definition was.

Clean vs. dirty fuel

My old definition of ambition: purely career-related drive, focused on being the best at whatever (didn’t matter what exactly) so I was known as a top performer by peers whom I respect, and if I’m being honest, being seen by society as better than others.

My new definition of ambition: build a life that is rich in relationships and community involvement, which fuels my creative energy and enables me to serve the world in a way that is valuable and feels like play.

My old definition was fulled by dirty fuel: external validation and insecurities. My motivations were extrinsic, requiring others to give me something.

My new definition, unbeknownst to me (I love when I find a way to use that word) was fuelled by clean fuel: creativity (intrinsic drive), nourishing sources of joy (relationships). My motivations are more intrinsic, requiring only myself to decide what I do and how I do it.

Sustainable vs. unsustainable ambition

6 months ago, I restarted my coaching practice after taking a pause with my newborn daughter. I wasn’t sure I’d ever resume it to be honest; the coaching was effective and I was getting clients, but it didn’t feel great to me. I had reasons to be proud based on the external environment, but internally I didn’t feel great.

Through tons of reflection I learned that the previous iteration of my coaching practice was driven by dirty fuel. I was focused on driving value to my clients of course, but I realized I was primarily focused being seen by my clients as smart enough to be their coach, on what my referrals said, and who my clients were. Those can be important factors to pay attention to if not rooted in insecurity, but that was not the case for me.

A couple theses have come to mind over the past 18 months, which have driven a lot of my writing, one of which being this essay. My current edition of coaching feels like a natural progression from this, rooted in the core philosophies that organically emerged from all the creative spurts I’ve unexpectedly had the last year between bottle feeding my baby and stroller walks along the Lachine Canal.

My work these days is running off of clean fuel, and it doesn’t feel like work is work that depletes me since creativity is energy-intensive, but also replenishes me immensely such that it feels sustainable.

When my ambition was for all the wrong reasons, filled with self-esteem issues and imposter syndrome, I would have to navigate deep ups and downs that felt part of the game, but in hindsight was unsustainable because of what it was being fuelled by.

Unsustainable ambition as an intentional choice

There’s nothing wrong with unsustainable ambition in the short-term, as long as it’s an intentional choice and one is aware of the implications of being fuelled by things outside of one’s locus of control (which you can tell leaves one in a fragile position).

Being driven by insecurities and the need to be told you’re good enough absolutely works…in the short-term. There are absolutely cases where people have calculated their “ambition runway” to see if there’s enough in the tank to get to the required goal (e.g. a solid startup exit).

The main downside is the recovery period post-achievement. One is in a depleted state, and recovery is a function of time, so it’s debatable how much time and money is really maximized by postponing other aspects of one’s life to achieve the goal.

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I’m aware that I’m likely in the second inning of my adventures with ambition. All I can say right now is my new definition of ambition feels better, more sustainable, more fun, and everyone I love seems to appreciate this version more, too.