The cost of hitting undo
How I almost missed the opportunity of a lifetime
A couple months into my daughter being born, it started becoming clear to me that my ability to fly solo was eroding more severely than I anticipated.
My wife and I are really good at creating space for each other to grow independently (at least before our daughter was born). One of the ways we've accomplished this has been a mini-sabbatical from time together for at least 3 weeks per year.
But as I was stepping into fatherhood more deeply by the day, I was learning that if I wanted to be an effective dad and husband, doing my own thing for an extended period of time was going to be very selfish on my part and therefore detrimental, or at least less than ideal for my wife and our child.
What I've been conditioned to do when I want things to be different is to do something about it. Take action and solve the problem, the productivity and techy worlds have taught me.
Break things fast, they say in the tech world. Ok, but whose cleaning up the mess you leave behind when breaking things fast?
This tech dogma works in theory, where there are no consequences for our actions, where there is little damage incurred along the way of moving quickly, but especially when we have to retrace our steps or "hit undo" on our relatively thoughtless action rooted in speed. But life doesn't unfold in theory: there are always consequences to our actions; the key is to identify the consequences before taking an important action so the alternatives can be compared and then execute what makes the most sense considering the consequences in our decision.
I had the reflex to find a couple weeks while our daughter is in daycare and my wife isn't back at work yet to solo travel and find some space from what otherwise was feeling rewarding, yet impossible to sustain without my usual tactic of replenishing myself with a solid dose of "me time".
The more I planned it out and talked it out with my partner, the more I realized I was escaping and neglecting her needs of companionship and intimacy during a rare pocket of time when we'd be able to be together just us two.
I visualized what would happen if I did jet off for two weeks:
My wife would be less than optimal due to parenting solo, while also missing her adventure partner during a time when the only friend that is free during workhours is me.
The consequence of this would be a lot of hypothetical negatives, all of which triangulate around me having a lot of work to do once I'd come back from my travels, around the apartment, in my relationship with Jenny, and in reestablishing my presence in my daughter's life (it may take some time for my <1 y/o to remember I'm her father and what that means in the context of her life...).
In other words, the cost of undoing my reactive decision would have been higher than the upside of the decision itself. I would have created even more work for myself through the act of trying to reduce or escape the work that was leading to my irrationality in the first place.
An unthoughtful fast ten steps forward ends up in at least nine steps back. One or two mindful steps forward lead us forward without the time and energy spent on backtracking, but more importantly, it prevents the damage incurred during mindless steps "forward". Damage on both people and things in our environment, but also the toll on our body and mind.
In other words, there is less undoing required because of the (lack of) speed at which we move when moving mindfully. The function of time affords us reflection which leads to clearer action.
Taking our time or moving slowly is often perceived to be the enemy of action or value creation, but this is only true if one doesn't know how to use the time wisely. If you get good at the skill of being thoughtful while being slow, you end up in a similar place as consistent, less risky investments receiving the rewards of steady compounding.
I can’t help but bring up that Navy Seals quote: “Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.”
I ended up catching myself running away from the hard thing, which is to continue my deep learning of what it means to be a father, supporting my wife right before she restarts her demanding career. I would've missed out on this because of reacting and trying to escape uncomfortableness, instead of seeing the struggle as the Teacher.
I'm now staying with my wife for the month of March and I cannot wait to spend what will possibly be one of the last times we're both off and get to spend weeks as a couple together. I'm looking forward to learning how to better live life in my everchanging circumstance, instead of coming back home trying to catch up to my reality.
In the background of all this contemplation is a deep, undeniable feeling that tells me I am making the right choice. This feeling serves as my compass, and I am responsible for finding the path on how to get to this right choice through my actions and decisions I make on a daily basis.
Looking forward to reporting back in a month. Until then, love yourself and others just a little more than is necessary.