Building a network that feels rich
My approach to networking so that I'm genuinely connected to my connections
A few months ago, when I was deep in paternal leave yet saw I was getting closer to my sabbatical on the other side of the mountain. I was feeling a surge of energy to connect with people.
I wasn’t expecting this; I thought all I wanted was an empty calendar with all the time in the world to myself. I kept craving heads-down time to think, write, and build my coaching practice.
I was thrown off when my body was telling me I wanted to reignite relationships with awesome people, but my mind was stuck in the past thinking I wanted to basically live in a cave.
What do you do in this situation? Do you override what your body is telling you cause you turst your mind more? The mind uses reason, logic, and is seemingly more “correct” than the body that is, on the surface more vague, ambiguous and ever changing its mind.
That pun is intended: I don’t think we change our mind, instead I think our body responds to a new set of circumstances in our environment that is dynamic, and our mind listens to the signals of the body on what makes sense based on Now (aka reality), not some fictional past.
I chose to listen to my body, but I didn’t know how to act upon it. I wanted to protect my next 3 months, where I had this unrepeatable scenario of getting to be with my daughter and wife every day.
Keeping the most important thing the most important thing involves a crazy amount of sacrifice on my end and a generous dose of understanding and patience from others.
So how did I make this all work?
Step 0: What am I trying to accomplish?
I spend a bulk of my time choosing which mountain to climb before I set out to go full speed. In other words, I take time to find the direction, before going fast.
I had to ask myself, “What is the purpose of this connecting?”
I realized I didn’t feel connected to most people in my network. I didn’t feel there was a real relationship with most people when I’d go on LinkedIn. A mile wide, but an inch deep.
So I set out to select build a gather of people that I cared about and felt like we were part of each other’s lives, where my professional connections didn’t feel transactional, but instead felt honest, vulnerable, and real. An inch wide, but a mile deep.
I can’t realistically have a deep connection with hundreds of people without it crushing other pillars of my life, so I had to get selective to make this feasible.
Step 1: Filter
I then asked myself the question: what kind of people am I trying to connect with?
I went through all my iPhone contacts and LinkedIn connections and one by one selected for people I knew I wanted to be close with for the next 10 years to come.
I couldn’t articulate it at the time, but I now realize my criteria was to select people who:
I genuinely care about
who genuinely care about me
who are emotional and passionate (who give a shit)
who are up to interesting things according to me
I’ve actually been opening my catchup calls by sharing this intention, and my people are loving it.
Step 2: What time am I willing to give up?
My craving to be deep into my creative work during my sabbatical was still there. So how do I keep space for that, while also introducing a new variable that eats up my time?
I’ve been mentally taking stock of my daily energy cycle, so I looked for a pocket of time in the day that aligned with the activity of zoom calls.
What I know about my daily energy cycle is this:
Mornings need to start with some sort of ritual (meditation, intentional brewing of coffee or tea) and movement outside for at least 15 minutes
My creativity AND focus are at their peak until around 11:30am
Afternoons are when my energy drops significantly and I’m only effective at tasks that don’t require that creativity or focus
Evenings are protected for recovery and rest so I can maximize my creativity the next morning.
It looked like afternoons were it. I was constrained by picking up my daughter from daycare at 3:30pm, so I landed on availabilty of 1:30-3:30pm. No way I was doing more than 2 hours straight of zoom calls voluntarily.
At what cadence? I sketched out a sample week and slotted my constraints in (daycare pickup, all the times Jenny was working early/late, groceries+cooking, etc.) and my top priorities (coaching clients, writing, and some time for friends).
I saw I could technically manage 3 days/week of calls, but didn’t think I could sustain that for like 15 weeks straight of catchup calls.
I set my availability for 2 days of catchup calls, 2 hours each day. I created enough availability for people to find time, without going past this line and either sacrificing my priorities and responsilities or my creative energy.
In other words, I figured out what was enough, and I made sure I stayed there.
Step 3: Craft a genuine message
Once I filtered for people in my professional network who I want to have a personal connection with, I DM’d them. I had to give them the context I outlined at top of this post cause I knew they were gonna either be confused or think I’m flexing by having a calendly that only shows I’m available 4 months from now.
I kept telling myself “What’s there to lose? Worst case they think I’m ridiculous and I learn that they aren’t as caring as I thought.”
I trust my taste and turns out everyone I reached out to was super understanding.
Step 4: Reminders
This is more of a substep, but I’ve learned how important setting up a reminder 2 days before these catchup calls is. My first day of catchup calls, I had 3 people no-show and they felt horrible about it.
Why did they no-show? Cause I asked them to book a 25 minute call 4 months ahead of time…I didn’t exactly set them up for success.
Since the reminders, everyone’s been showing up OR they’ve rescheduled ahead of time for another time in my cal.
My approach is working so far. Inspiring, energy-giving conversations that make the energy drain of zoom calls worth it. These calls don’t feel hollow because I’m not going into them with the purpose of exchanges of job opportunities or seeking to meet other noteworthy people.
Because of the clear intention I set out plus the selective invitations, these conversations are mind-expanding, full of joy, and a sense of really seeing the whole person on the other side of the call.
I’ll consider it a filter if you’ve read this whole post, so if you feel energized right now and you want to reignite our connection or are seeking to forge a new one with me, don’t be a stranger and hit me up! Let’s vibe.